Stephen Colbert Fills Every Vacant Federal Government Job

Stephen Colbert Fills Every Vacant Federal Government Job

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HOUSE THAT IS RUNNING ON EMPTY. THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT IS
DRASTICALLY UNDERSTAFFED. EACH INCOMING PRESIDENT HAS
ABOUT 4,000– SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL
POSITIONS TO FILL, AND SO FAR, ONLY ABOUT HALF OF THEM HAVE
BEEN FILLED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. IT DOESN’T HELP THAT THEIR
CRAIGLIST AD SAYS, “SINKING SHIP SEEKS RATS!”
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THERE ARE–
( APPLAUSE )
THERE ARE– PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A
JOB. RATS! LET’S HEAR IT FOR RATS! BUT THERE ARE A FEW DIEHARDS WHO
BELIEVE WE SHOULD HAVE GOVERNMENT, LIKE THE FOLKS AT
THE PARTNERSHIP FOR PUBLIC SERVICE. THEY’RE A NON-PROFIT
ORGANIZATION THAT WORKS WITH FEDERAL AGENCIES TO HELP FILL
VACANT JOBS. I RECENTLY TRAVELED TO
WASHINGTON D.C. TO SPEAK WITH THEIR PRESIDENT AND C.E.O, MAX
STIER, ABOUT TRUMP’S SKELETON CREW. MR. STIER, THANK YOU FOR TALKING
WITH ME TODAY.>>THANK YOU SO MUCH.>>Stephen: SO YOUR JOB IS TO
HELP THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION FILL THESE VACANT JOBS.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: WHEN A NEW
ADMINISTRATION COMES IN, HOW MANY POSITIONS ARE THERE TO
STILL PHIL?>>WE TRACK ABOUT 630 THAT WE
SEE AS THE MOST IMPORTANT, THAT ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR RUNNING
REALLY LARGE CHUNKS OF THE GOVERNMENT– YOU KNOW, THE
SECRETARY OF INTERIOR, THE HEAD OF THE CENSUS BUREAU THE– YOU
KNOW, THE SECRETARY OF THE ARMY.>>Stephen: HOW MANY HAVE BEEN
APPOINTED SO FAR?>>THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT 250 IN
WHICH YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN SELECTED BY THE
PRESIDENT AND CONFIRMED BY THE SENATE.>>Stephen: SO ABOUT 400 OF
THESE REALLY IMPORTANT POSITION UNFILLED.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: NOW, DO YOU SEE
THE GOVERNMENT AS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?( LAUGHTER ).>>I SEE IT AS —
>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT
THAT?>>NO, I DON’T NEED A MOMENT.>>Stephen: AN OPTIMIST SEES
THE GOVERNMENT AS HALF FULL. A PESSIMIST AS HALF EMPTY, AND
AN ANARCHIST SAYS WHY IS THERE A GLASS? THAT IS JUST PEOPLE TRYING TO
CONTROL OUR WATER.>>A REAL OPTIMIST WOULD SAY —
>>Stephen: PUTTING FLUORIDE IN IT.>>IT’S GOOD FOR YOUR TEETH.>>Stephen: OH, IS IT? THAT’S A GOVERNMENT PLOT.>>I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT LAST
POINT.>>Stephen: HOW MANY OF THESE
JOB VACANCIES ARE IN THE DEEP STATE?>>NO SUCH THING AS A DEEP
STATE.>>Stephen: NONE OF THOSE
POSITIONS ARE FILLED RIGHT NOW?>>NONE OF THOSE POSITIONS ARE
FILLED BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST.>>Stephen: WHAT ARE SOME OF
THE MORE TROUBLING POSTS THAT AREN’T FILLED BY A QUALIFIED
CANDIDATE?>>WE HAVE NO AMBASSADOR IN
SOUTH KOREA, AND WE ARE IN A VERY SCARY SITUATION, OBVIOUSLY.>>Stephen: WE HAVE DENNIS
RODMAN, THOUGH. WE HAVE DENNIS RODMAN.>>I CAN’T ARGUE WITH THAT —
>>Stephen: I WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T. THE MAN’S SO DANGEROUS IN THE
PAINT.>>I WOULD BE HAPPIER, HOWEVER,
WITH A FOREIGN SERVICE OFFICER OR SOMEBODY WHO REALLY
UNDERSTANDS THE GEOPOLITICAL ISSUES THERE.>>Stephen: IS THE MILITARY
FILLED, ALL MILITARY POSITIONS, LIKE, ALL LEADERSHIP, PENTAGON–
>>AT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT? NO, THERE ARE OPENINGS AT THE
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT, TOO.>>Stephen: I LOOK GREAT IN A
UNIFORM.>>YOU DON’T GET A UNIFORM AS A
POLITICAL APPOINTEE. WHAT YOU DO, DO IS YOU ACTUALLY
ARE IN CHARGE OF THE MILITARY BECAUSE THAT IS PART OF OUR
SYSTEM IS TO HAVE, YOU KNOW, CIVILIANS RESPONSIBLE.>>Stephen: I JUST WANT TO
POINT OUT YOU JUST SAID DO-DO.>>DID I?>>Stephen: ANYTHING GOOD OPEN
AT NASA?>>THERE’S STILL NO HEAD OF
NASA, NO ADMINISTRATOR FOR NASA. SO IF YOU WANT —
>>Stephen: HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT JOB?>>YOU KNOW, THESE ARE ALL
IMPORTANT JOBS. SO —
>>Stephen: LET ME JUST BE THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE HERE FOR A
MOMENT.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: IF THEY WERE
REALLY IMPORTANT THEY’D BE FILLED BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT
STILL EXISTS.>>I WOULD SAY —
>>Stephen: THE GOVERNMENT STILL EXISTS AND THESE JOBS
AREN’T FILLED.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: IPSO FACTO, I
DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT PHRASE MEANS.>>THERE IS NOT AN AGENCY THAT
YOU COULD NAME THAT IS FULLY GLILD HOW DOES ONE APPLY FOR ONE
OF THESE JOBS? LET’S SAY I WANTED TO BE HEAD OF
NASA OR AN AMBASSADOR TO SOMETHING, WHERE DO I SEND MY
RESUME? DO I JUST WRAP IT AROUND A
CHEESEBURGER AND THROW IT OVER THE WALL AT THE WHITE HOUSE.>>I DON’T THINK THAT WOULD GET
YOU VERY FAR. THERE WOULD BE A VETTING PROCESS
THAT WOULD OCCUR.>>Stephen: HOW HARSH IS THIS
VETTING PROCESS?>>IT’S HARSH.>>Stephen: IS THERE A
SPANKING MACHINE?>>NOT THAT KIND OF HARSH.>>Stephen: COULD YOU VET ME?>>SURE. AND JUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE
ROAD YOU’RE ON IS A LONG, NASTY, BRUTISH ONE.>>Stephen: IF I HAVE ANYTHING
IN MY PAST SHOULD I GET IN FRONT OF IT RIGHT NOW?>>YES.>>Stephen: WHEN I WAS 17 I
BEAT A SEA TURTLE TO DWAEGHT A FLASHLIGHT, BUT IN MY DEFENSE, I
WAS HIGH AND I THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER.>>I THINK WE COULD END THIS
RIGHT HERE.>>Stephen: WHAT IF I’M NOT
THE DEPARTMENT OF SEA TURTLES? WHAT IF I’M JUST SOMETHING DUMB
JIEK I THINK THIS SORT OF VIOLATES ONE OF THE CORE
FOUNDATIONAL ISSUES HERE, WHICH IS HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING THAT
COULD EMBARRASS THIS ADMINISTRATION, AND I WOULD SAY
THAT COUNTS.>>Stephen: OKAY, MAYBE. YOU HAVE SEEN THIS
ADMINISTRATION?( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>>I THINK THAT —
>>Stephen: THEY’RE VERY HARD TO EMBARRASS.>>I THINK WE SHOULD UPHOLD OUR
STANDARD S.>>Stephen: LET’S SAY THAT
DIDN’T HAPPEN.>>ALREADY.>>Stephen: LET’S JUST SAY I
MADE THAT UP.>>JUST TO BE CLEAR, THOUGH, IF
YOU LIE, YOU CAN GO TO JAIL.>>Stephen: IF I HAD AN AFFAIR
SHOULD I GET THAT OUT THERE NOW?>>YOU SHOULD GET THAT OUT
THERE.>>Stephen: I HAD AN AFFAIR
BUT IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS NOT EMOTIONAL. IT WAS PURELY PHYSICAL, AND IT
WAS WITH A SINABON. I SAID I WAS GOING TO QUIT TI
WASN’T GOING TO FINISH IT, BUT THEM SHE JUST LIKE–
>>BUT YOU ARE CORRECT –>>Stephen: FROSTING.>>YOU KNOW, THE QUESTION ABOUT
HOW YOU –>>Stephen: THIS IS NOT A
METAPHOR. I HAD SEX WITH A CINNABON.( LAUGHTER )
IN THE CLD KENNEDY ADMINISTRATIO
EVERYBODY WAS HAVING SEX WITH
BAKED GOODS.>>HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DIAGNOSED
WITH A MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER, AND IF SO, WHICH ONE.>>Stephen: DIAGNOSED?>>YES.>>Stephen: NO.>>WE’RE TALKING ABOUT POTENTIAL
DRUG USE. YOU HAVE SMOKED MARIJUANA AND
WHEN?>>>Stephen: I HAVE NOT SMOKED
MARIJUANA.( LAUGHTER )
IN THE LAST… SEVEN YEARS.
>>I SEE, I SEE.>>I HAVE NOT.>>I HEARD THE EMPHASIS.>>Stephen: SMOKED IT.>>HAVE YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE
DECLARED BANKRUPTCY IN THE PAST SEVEN YEARS.>>Stephen: THAT’S A QUESTION
YOU HAVE TO ANSWER?>>YES.>>Stephen: IS THE PRESIDENT
QUALIFIED TO SERVE IN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?>>THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE TO
ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.>>Stephen: WOW! IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING.>>ONE MORE QUESTION: WILL YOU
SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE PRESIDENT?>>Stephen: IF THAT MEANS I
GET TO SPANK HIM WITH A MAGAZINE, THEN, YES, I WOULD BE
HAPPY TO PLEASURE THE PRESIDENT.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: WELL, I WAS
CONVINCED THERE SHOULD BE A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, SO I HEADED
OUT TO THE NATIONAL MALL WITH A LIST OF VITAL BUT UNFILLED
GOVERNMENT POSITIONS TO VET AND INSTANTLY ASIENT JOBS TO THE
PERFECT CANDIDATES, WHICH WAS ANYONE WHO WOULD STOP AND TALK
TO ME. FIRST UP, DIRECTOR OF THE
NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY. POLICY. WE’RE LOOKING FOR THE DIRECTOR
OF THE NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THAT POSITION?>>VAGUELY.>>Stephen: ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT
NOW?>>NO!>>Stephen: ANOTHER THEN YOU
GOT THE JOB. THAT’S IT. OKAY. HOW ABOUT AMBASSADOR TO SOUTH
KOREA? LET ME ASK YOU SOME GENERAL
VETTING QUESTIONS, DO YOU MIND?>>ABSOLUTELY I DON’T MIND.>>Stephen: WOULD YOU
REPRESENT THE VALUES, VISIONSLESS
POLICIES OF PRESIDENT TRUMP?>>I WOULD DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND ITS PEOPLE.>>Stephen: THEN THAT WOULD BE
A NO. THAT WOULD BE A HARD NO. THE ENERGY DEPARTMENT. HI, HI, HI! I CAN GIVE THIS TO TO YOU? CAN I–
>>NO –>>Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
BE ASSISTANT SECRETARY FOR NUCLEAR ENERGY?>>I’M SORRY, I’M NOT AMERICAN.>>Stephen: THAT DOESN’T
MATTER. NEXT UP, ADMINISTRATOR FOR NASA. YOU KNOW WHAT NASA DOES?>>YES.>>Stephen: WHAT DO THEY DO?>>PUT SHUTTLES IN THE AIR AND
TAKE PEOPLE TO THE MOON.>>Stephen: HAVEN’T BEEN
SHUTTLES FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS NOW.>>THERE WILL BE.>>Stephen: OKAY, YOU’RE IN. DREAM BIG. ADMINISTRATOR FOR THE FEDERAL
HIGHWAY ADMINISTRATION. COMPLETE THIS
♪ HIGHWAY TO THE…>>MOON?>>Stephen: NOBODY. ♪ HIGHWAY TO THE…>>FUTURE?>>DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL
COUNTERTERRORISM CENTER. SEAN, WHAT HAPPENED DOWN HERE?>>ACTUALLY, I BROKE MY FOOT
PLAYING SOME SOCCER ON THE NATIONAL MALL.>>CAN YOU MAKE THAT SOUND A
LITTLE BIT MORE EXCITING, A LITTLE BIT MORE JACK RYAN. HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR LEG,
SEAN?>>I WAS ACTUALLY FIGHTING OFF
AL QAEDA IN A BAR IN D.C.>>Stephen: YOU’RE DONE. THAT’S IT. I GOT A HEAD OF THE FEDERAL
ELECTION COMMISSION! ♪ HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER
>>ZONE.>>Stephen: ZONE. YOU GOT THE JOB. AND DIRECT OF THE U.S. MARSHAL
SERVICE. IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU THAT
MIGHT QUALIFY YOU TO BE A MARSHAL? NO, NOT TODAY.>>Stephen: MOTH ABOUT YOU AT
ALL THAT SAYS, “U.S. MARSHAL?”>>NO.>>Stephen: I WANT A BIRD OVER
KANDAHAR IN 15 MINUTES. SAY IT KANDAHAR.>>KANDAHAR?>>
>>Stephen: KANDAHAR. YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE KANDAHAR
IS?>>NO, I DON’T.

100 comments

  1. I really didn't like this and felt uncomfortable. Even for a comedic purpose, Stephen cut the poor guy off every single time, and we didn't get to hear half of what he had to say. Ugh, I was sitting here muttering OMFG just let the guy finish his sentence for once.

  2. It really irritates me when he doesn't let people finish their sentences for a one liner. Cutting someone off once in a while can be funny, but this is so excessive… Also, outro still too loud, still sucks.

  3. This is the best segment I've seen in a long time ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Please do more of these Stephen!!

  4. You are a funny guy Stephen…but not when you continuously interrupt your guests. That's really annoying…not funny.

  5. I never thought I'd say this, but Stephen was fucking annoying in the interview. This ceo handled it like a pro.

  6. Your right . Not only White house. You fool are on empty. Get off the air waves. There is better skits than yours. Pituful you should be banned. Closet homie.

  7. Moron celebrities confusing the public with there opinion when there opinion is merely that of the people who pay him….Shut up already!

  8. Are you kidding me?!! If I had a glorious mustache like that I would introduce myself to everyone by simply stating "I AM THE LAW."

  9. there is no more of the caricature who thinks he is sort of serious "healer" like this kreten called Stephen Colbert

  10. Lol… Even though I shouldn't say that because it may lead to people thinking I'm laughing with Colbert rather than at his crappy joke. Rats?… What?

  11. 2:54 They talk about not wearing a uniform when you're a civilian, but David Clarke tries to imitate one to look like he's a decorated veteran.

  12. Whoever that guy was I think he held his own with Colbert. Good job, whoever you are–maybe you should be promoted.

  13. I disagree with the last appointment. He was perfect for the job: 1) He had an obvious flaw (injured); 2) he will lie to get in; 3) he will brag about the priority of killing terrorists even though we know this is also made up; 4) he has no idea where kandahar is, but like most of the the current administration seems willing to learn fun facts about foreign countries as we bomb them.

  14. Stephen Colbert is just a total sarcastic Person … and with out it he is just a big fat NOTHING … Anyone else notice the CANNED LAUGHTER …

  15. Glad Stephen finally is shedding light on which organization helps people find Federal jobs! I had no idea this bureau even existed….much less how BS their standards/screenings or "requirements" for employment (which leaves many qualified people out). I wish he would have dug more into that in the interview. Continue the good research work Mr. Colbert ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. Colbert fill th gov't? He can't even wipe his ass without a map and book of instructions! JUSTLIKE ALL LIB!

  17. Colbert has conducted some of the best interviews, but this "Sacha Baron Cohen"-esque interview technique of interrupting and badgering for the sake of cheap laughs is embarrassing. The guy held it together admirably. I hope Colbert aims higher in the future.

  18. This is mega-funny! Stephen Colbert is fantastic – and the interview partner reacts very delightfully!

  19. this show continues to be a circus but talks about important issues.
    its unhealthy for general society, as it gives them a misinformed view.

  20. This reminds me of when Stephen got his portrait put over one of the Smithsonian bathrooms on The Colbert Report.

  21. Just doing something ambiguous and realized magnetic propulsion is the future of all energy when used in the correct manner wtfu movement

  22. I must be a pessimist, I see the glass entirely full of wastes of oxygen POS ! Or just plain old shit if you prefer !!

  23. If you lie you can go to jail.. Then why is Trump still President? Da do do do. da da da da, that's all I want to say to you ! Or just "do do"

  24. I kinda feel bad for this guy. Stephen is trolling him and he is being as patient as possible. Trump could learn a thing or two.
    Also I would not mind if Cobert served as the ambassador to South Korea.

  25. the huge problem with big government is when they bully developing countries with their jobs programs and think its just to go after undesirable us citizens with its 'jobs program'

  26. it amazes me how can someone be THIS unfunny and have one of the biggest late night shows on their shoulders. my god! isn't journalism/host and even basic conversation/courtesy 101 to NOT interrupt your guest? yet you do it time and again. isn't it comedy 101 that if you need to explain a joke the joke has been dead before it was even made?

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